Mail Bag

George W. Bush - Christian in Chief - The Legacy of an American Failure

Mail Bag

On this page, we respond to the questions raised by our readers who are Americans just like you. Given the overwhelming number of inquiries we can only choose a few to respond to, but be patient, you may be next!

A Private in the US Army writes:

I am a Baptist Bush supporter living on a large military base in Fayetteville, N.C.

My CO (commanding officer for you civilians) tells me that John Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam, was wounded three different times, saved the lives of members of his platoon, won the silver star, is a catholic, and has two heterosexual daughters.

If all this is true, why should I continue to support Bush/Cheney when Bush got a no-show position in the National Guard because his daddy was a Congressman from Texas, Cheney dodged the draft with five deferments and raised his daughter as a lesbian?

The Blue Response

Good question private, you are a thinking man.

We don't generally advise people how to vote, but I think the Republican thinking on this one is basically that they are the "elite ones" and that they are "better" than the rest of us. In other words, why should rich folks like the Cheney's and the Bush's risk getting killed in combat when they have so much to contribute to the country by making millions of dollars which they can avoid paying taxes on.

See Vietnam was different than Iraq and a little like the Civil War. During Vietnam and the Civil War, there was a draft. Unlike today's all volunteer army, the government contacts you and tells you that you have been selected to go fight a war. In the Civil War, if you were a rich northern republican you could just pay the government $400 to get out of going.

In Vietnam, it was a little harder to get out of it. If you were poor or african-american, they would throw your ass in jail if you didn't go. Come to think of it, if you were african-american and rich they would throw you ass in jail like they did to Muhammed Ali. But, and it is a big but, if you were rich and white and especially if you had connections, you could get a deferment and hope the war was over before they asked you again or you could join the national guard like Georgie Bush when he ran out of deferments.

As far as us blues are concerned, the lesbian thing shouldn't affect your assessment of Dick Cheney. He is a bit of a girly man though.

The Reds Reply

Private,

It is disgraceful that you would question your Commander-In-Chief's service to his country.

Unlike our blue counterparts, we will gladly tell you that it is your Godly duty to vote for a Protestant. George W. is a Methodist and you are a Baptist (e.g. protestants) so you may only vote for W or you will be viewed as a sinner.

While we tolerate catholics to some extent because they are at least Christians and are helping us on the abortion issue and anti-gay issues, they do not really count because they are under the influence of a foreign power known as the Pope. Strike One for Kerry!

As for Kerry's war record, he came home from Vietnam and worked against the war. W always favored the war even if he refused to serve in it. Strike Two for Kerry!

As for the Cheney's misfortune of having a dyke daughter. Well, we all have had some "funny ones" in our families - I guess it is unavoidable even in good Christian homes. But I think it is pretty clear that Lynne and Dick are not happy at all about it. Like good Christians, I am sure they would rather sweep it under the rug.

You have to give Lynne credit though when she reacted so negatively to Kerry's "lesbian reference" on national TV. It's pretty clear that she doesn't support her daugther's immoral lifestyle! Strike Three for Kerry for mentioning lesbian on national TV when teenagers were around.

P.S. If Lynne wore the pants in that family, I bet she would have made her daughter "get over it" long ago and had her impregnated and married to a good Christian man who would have beat it out of her.

Basking in the Light of Jesus For George W. Bush

A Bat-Weilding Homophobe in Virginia Writes:

I am a god-fearing follower of the Reverand Jerry Falwell in Lynchburg, Virginia. I use to like that Pat Robertson, but he seems a bit off lately.

I voted for George W. Bush because he promised to keep those homos from getting married by getting us a Constitutional Amendment banning them fags and dykes from tying the knot.

Funny thing is that I ain't heard a word about it since the election done past. I have tried to find out what my boy in the Senate George Allen is going to do about it. Being the son of a football coach, I figured he was against them homos. Since John Warner was married to that Liz Taylor woman and she was good friends with that Michael Jackson boy , I figured I was wasting my time with him.

I am very concerned about this issue because I know we have a couple of them queers around here that just might try it. And there are only so many of us Christians who are willing to knock some sense into them with a baseball bat after drinking a few beers down at the 7-11.

I know you bringiton boys are in favor of them homos, but I thought you might have some information.

Protecting My Rear in the Men's Room

The Blue Response

Well, we have no more information than you do son.

Seems to us that the Gay Marriage Ban Amendment was just a political ploy to get fellas like you out to vote for Geogre W and it worked!

If you look back into Presidential politics, you will remember that Georgie's daddy pulled a fast one on you too. He was all hot about passing a Constitutional Amendment to ban flag burning. Haven't heard a word about that one either, have you?

And then there was Ronnie "Morning in America" Reagan. He promised to pass a Constitutional Amendment banning abortion in 1980. In the eight years he was President, no such amendment was passed and the Republicans have not even tried it since they gained control of the Senate. They done fooled you again, son.

As for George Allen, he just might be your boy so I hope all you good Christian Virginians write him everyday and ask him to be "the one" to stand up and take action to get that Amendment on the agenda. He is up for election in two years so you better work extra hard to get him to do it!

In the meantime, don't forget to lock those bathroom stalls and protect your mouth as well!

The Red Response

The god-fearing republicans know that the sin of homos and dykes getting married must be stopped. It was the most important issue facing our nation during the election and still is.

Senator Allen is a Christian man and we just know in our heart of hearts that he will be a leader in this fight.

The only problem is that we know there are some of those homos that have infiltrated the republican party. For instance, those Log Cabin folks and Cheney's daughter are the ones we know about. But them homos are sneeky critters. Remember that gay -bashing self-righteous conservative Phillip Crane from Illinois. I heard that he was doing homo acts right there in the capitol building with underage page boys. And what about all them catholic priests?

What I mean is, you just never know. So I suggest that every god-fearing Republican Senator take an oath to say that he never committed any act of homosexuality! If they did, I think they should resign from the Senate or change parties. Once they have taken the oath, it should be clear who are real friends are in Washington.

The sanctity of marriage must be defended! God is counting on us!

P.S. On public bathrooms, we try like the devil not to use them. But if you must, wear a cup and carry mace.

This Letter From A Confused Voter In Ohio Was Forwarded to Us From The White House

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman."

I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

Slavery - Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

Sale of Daughter - I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

Menstruation - I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Animal Sacrifice: When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates apleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Working On The Sabbath: I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

Shellfish: A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

Sight Challenged: Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

Haircuts: Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though Lev. 19:27 expressly forbids this: How should they die?

Football: I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

Method of Punishment: My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Very truly yours,

Confused Voter In Ohio Who Needs An Answer Before Election Day

The Red Response

Cudos for being such a well-read Christian! You will be rewarded in Heaven!

You raise some difficult questions, but we have consulted with many close to the Christian-In-Chief to get his views for you. Mind you George is much too busy talking to God to be answering letters, so this is the best we can do although our Christian-in-Chief's views might vary somewhat.

On obtaining slaves from neighboring nations, your friend is wrong. The holy book is quite clear on this and it applies to both Canada and Mexico. You are free under God's law to enslave whichever is your preference. But isn't slavery in the United States illegal you might ask? Well according to a well-researched legal memorandum written by top lawyers in the administration, slavery is not illegal as it applies to "enemy combatants." Since neither Canada or Mexico supports W's quest for world domination, any citizen of these two countries is fair game. While this interpretation of the law has not been tested formally, it has been run by Antonin over at the Supreme Court. To be on the safe side, enslave Canadians from Quebec who french and Mexicans who speak spanish to minimize the risk of law enforcement interference.

Selling you daughter into slavery is fine as well. We think the price depends upon her age, her looks, her utility as a housekeeper or cook, her devotion to Christianity, and her ability to breed. We suggest that you obtain a letter of recommendation from your minister concerning her holiness and a fertility test. These documents will greatly enhance her marketability. There is one exception, however, you may not sell your daughter to a known lesbian!

If you state clearly your religious concern about being around a women during her "time" and then ask her if she is having her "time," a GOOD CHRISTIAN WOMAN WOULD UNDERSTAND AND RESPOND. If she refuses to respond then she is not a Christian and you should not be around her anyway.

All us Christians have experienced the dilemma of the mess and smell associated with animal sacrifice. Smite the heathen! And if they call the health department or some other government authority, it is a big payday for you! Government interference in your Christian Right to slaughter just about anything that moves is religious persecution. Sue the do-gooders for violating your civil rights.

The Sabbath is a holy day, but we understand that Sam Walton (before he died) got a special exemption from God to allow his underpaid workers to work on Sunday on the theory that if they worked 7 days a week that they could get off welfare. So as long as your neighbor is an Associate at Walmart, you can't touch him.

If God did not distinguish between eating shellfish and homosexuality, who are we to question his Divine Will?

We recognize your concern about diminished sight, but if the defect is correctable with glasses there should be no problem here. See our FAQ page for more information.

George W gets his hair trimmed and God looks fondly upon him, but this unfortunately does not settle the question. Given that God and George are on daily speaking terms, we do not know whether God has given George the green-light here. We are working on this issue, but God is neither "confirming or denying" the existence of a special W deal until the Iraqis are converted to Christianity.

Again, we cannot question the method of punishment that God has chosen. If it is stoning, get busy! You will need a variety of stones and a stoning site! Advertise it well and offer a prize for whoever delivers the fatal stone.

Cleansing My Hands in the Blood of the Lamb

Rev. Neck Rederthanurs, Church of the Holy Pentacost, Waco, Texas

Trivia Question of the Day: What religion does Anne Coulter practice?: a) none, she does not believe in God; b) Wicca; c) Islam; d) Catholism; e) none of the above.