This Letter From A Confused Voter In Ohio Was Forwarded to Us From The White House
Dear President Bush,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and
understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes
of God marriage is based between a man and a woman."
I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:
Slavery - Leviticus 25:44 states
that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
Sale of Daughter - I would like to
sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price
Menstruation - I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take
Animal Sacrifice: When I burn a bull on
the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates apleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim
the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
Working On The Sabbath: I have
a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
Shellfish: A friend of mine feels that even though eating
shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
Sight Challenged: Lev.21:20 states that
I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision
have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
Haircuts: Most of my male
friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though Lev. 19:27 expressly forbids this: How
should they die?
Football: I know from Lev.
11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
Method of Punishment: My uncle has a farm.
He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we
go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death
at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these
things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Very truly yours,
Confused Voter In Ohio Who Needs An Answer Before Election Day
The Red Response
Cudos for being such a well-read Christian! You will be rewarded in Heaven!
You raise some difficult questions, but we have consulted with many close to the Christian-In-Chief to
get his views for you. Mind you George is much too busy talking to God to be answering letters, so this is the best we
can do although our Christian-in-Chief's views might vary somewhat.
On obtaining slaves from neighboring nations, your friend
is wrong. The holy book is quite clear on this and it applies to both Canada and Mexico. You are free under God's
law to enslave whichever is your preference. But isn't slavery in the United States illegal you might ask? Well
according to a well-researched legal memorandum written by top lawyers in the administration, slavery is not illegal as it
applies to "enemy combatants." Since neither Canada or Mexico supports W's quest for world domination, any
citizen of these two countries is fair game. While this interpretation of the law has not been tested formally, it has
been run by Antonin over at the Supreme Court. To be on the safe side, enslave Canadians from Quebec who french
and Mexicans who speak spanish to minimize the risk of law enforcement interference.
Selling you daughter into slavery is fine as well.
We think the price depends upon her age, her looks, her utility as a housekeeper or cook, her devotion to Christianity, and
her ability to breed. We suggest that you obtain a letter of recommendation from your minister concerning
her holiness and a fertility test. These documents will greatly enhance her marketability. There is one exception,
however, you may not sell your daughter to a known lesbian!
If you state clearly your religious concern about being around
a women during her "time" and then ask her if she is having her "time," a GOOD CHRISTIAN WOMAN WOULD UNDERSTAND
AND RESPOND. If she refuses to respond then she is not a Christian and you should not be around her anyway.
All us Christians have experienced the dilemma of the mess and smell associated with animal sacrifice. Smite the heathen! And if they call the health department or some other
government authority, it is a big payday for you! Government interference in your Christian Right to slaughter just about
anything that moves is religious persecution. Sue the do-gooders for violating your civil rights.
The Sabbath is a holy day, but we understand that Sam
Walton (before he died) got a special exemption from God to allow his underpaid workers to work on Sunday on the theory that
if they worked 7 days a week that they could get off welfare. So as long as your neighbor is an Associate at Walmart, you
can't touch him.
If God did not distinguish between eating shellfish and homosexuality,
who are we to question his Divine Will?
We recognize your concern about diminished sight, but if
the defect is correctable with glasses there should be no problem here. See our FAQ page for more information.
George W gets his hair trimmed and God looks fondly upon
him, but this unfortunately does not settle the question. Given that God and George are on daily speaking
terms, we do not know whether God has given George the green-light here. We are working on this issue, but God is neither
"confirming or denying" the existence of a special W deal until the Iraqis are converted to Christianity.
Again, we cannot question the method of punishment that
God has chosen. If it is stoning, get busy! You will need a variety of stones and a stoning site! Advertise it
well and offer a prize for whoever delivers the fatal stone.
Cleansing My Hands in the Blood of the Lamb
Rev. Neck Rederthanurs, Church of the Holy Pentacost, Waco, Texas